Close the 3 Life Gaps Causing Stress and Dissatisfaction

3 Life Gaps

 

Hyrum W. Smith is the co-founder and former CEO of Franklin Covey. His latest book The 3 Gaps: Are You Making a Difference?, shows how to lead a fulfilling life by closing these gaps. The book is filled with stories of people who overcome challenges to live a life of purpose.

 

“Governing values are simply a description of one’s highest priorities.” -Hyrum Smith

 

I recently asked him about his latest work on achieving a meaningful and impactful life, a life in balance.

 

3 Life Gaps

The Beliefs Gap. The gap between the behaviors that meet our needs and those that do not.

The Values Gap. The gap between what we value and where we actually spend our time.

The Time Gap. The gap between what we plan to do and what we actually do.

 

You share four steps for monitoring and changing your beliefs. Is there one that most people struggle with?

Typically, the hardest thing for any of us to do is to admit that “the only problem in my life is me.” This is why the very first step is to admit that the problem lies with us. It is perhaps a sign of our times that we tend to externalize more today than ever before. We don’t look first to ourselves but tend to blame circumstances or the actions of others for our challenges. Getting past that first hurdle is the key to closing this gap.

 

“Any belief that drives behavior that does not meet your basic needs over time is an incorrect belief.” -Hyrum Smith

 

How and why do people often get off track with their stated values? 

One of the ways we miss the mark is by failing to realize the importance of identifying our key values. Life is filled with “have to do” events and “someone expects me to do” events and “once in a while I’d like to do something for myself” events. It takes a concerted effort to identify the values that should be our highest priorities and then to compare our activities to those values. We get off track because we don’t focus on these values. We assume that they will take care of themselves. They usually don’t.

 

“The only thing you have 100% control over is you.” -Hyrum Smith

 

Make the Magic 15 Minutes Work for You

How to Deal With Irrational and Impossible People

You’re CRAZY!

Have a manipulating boss driving you nuts?

Is a co-worker bullying you?

Do you have someone irrational or deceitful in your life?

You’ve tried explaining, tried rationalizing, tried…everything…and still, you get nowhere.

 

What do you do when you are talking to CRAZY?

 

“To reach irrational people, you need to know why they’re irrational.” –Mark Goulston

 

Enter acclaimed psychiatrist Mark Goulston with the answers. Mark’s new book Talking to Crazy: How to Deal with the Irrational and Impossible People In Your Life is a guidebook to dealing with the impossible people that cross your path. His suggestions can be put to work immediately. I know because I did. And they work.

Recently, I asked Dr. Goulston about his exceptional new book and his practical observations and suggestions in dealing with difficult people.

 

“Life is beautiful but people are crazy.” –Charles Osgood

 

We Are All A Little Nuts

When a psychiatrist says “We’re all at least a little nuts,” it gets my attention. How are we all a bit crazy? What’s the best way for us to identify our major issues and weaknesses?TalkingToCrazy

We’re all a bit crazy because we all engage at times in non-rational, non-functional self-preservation (a.k.a. our identity).  That means that when the reality of what we are dealing with changes, we will often continue to “do the same things over and over, expecting different results.” The reason for that is because in an increasingly specialized world, the areas in which we feel competent, confident and in control are increasingly narrow. That translates into trying to stay inside those areas rather than adapting to the new situation facing us. By the way, I don’t see “crazy” people as mentally ill.  I have great compassion for and spent 30+ years treating people with significant mental illness, because they truly cannot stop acting the way they do until that mental illness – depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, ADHD, schizophrenia, etc. – is treated.  To me crazy people are people who can control their behavior, but choose not to.  In essence they abuse or take advantage of their relationships. They drive us crazy vs. being truly mentally ill.

 

“Being crazy isn’t enough.” –Dr. Seuss

 

I was incredibly moved by Mr. Harding’s story during your residency. What did this teach you?

It taught me not to jump to conclusions or be overly influenced by others before I gather all the information I can from the other person. That means patiently taking the time to truly understand and go to “their there” before I try to fit them into “my here.”

 

“The only normal people are the ones you don’t know very well.” –
Alfred Adler

 

Lean Into Crazy

The Genius of Opposites: Extroverts and Introverts

How Introverts and Extroverts Achieve Extraordinary Results Together

 

  • “I don’t understand extroverts. She is so out there.”
  • “I don’t know what he is thinking. What is bothering him?”
  • “How do I break through to her?”
  • “Was that a conclusion or is he thinking out loud?”

 

As an extrovert married to an introvert, I have long been interested in what makes an effective partnership between very different people.  I’ve learned that I’m far from alone and that many successful duos are two people with different styles and approaches. Whether a married couple or a business partnership, it is possible to adapt and develop a winning partnership. Learning to leverage each other’s strengths and capitalize on your differences can improve your results.

Author and speaker Jennifer B. Kahnweiler, PhD is known as the “champion for introverts.” I recently talked with her about her research and her new book, The Genius of Opposites: How Introverts and Extroverts Achieve Extraordinary Results Together.  She has developed a system designed to help opposites stop emphasizing the differences and instead drive toward results.

 

“Relationships are most successful when opposites stop focusing on differences.” -Dr Kahnweiler

 

Famous Opposites

Would you share a few examples of famous opposites?

Sure, there are many. The Wright Brothers, Venus and Serena Williams, Mick Jagger and Keith Richards, Mark Zuckerberg and Sheryl Sandberg, Penn and Teller, Siskel and Ebert, Teddy Roosevelt and William Howard Taft, Steve Jobs and Steve Wozniak.

 

Sticking Points

What most bothers introverts about extroverts and vice versa?

There are a lot of disconnects on both sides. Introverts think extroverts are changing their minds and don’t have clear thinking when they toss out ideas. But they are just releasing their energy, and they get charged up that way. They are just downloading ideas.

Introverts also wonder why extroverts need so much going on. They think extroverts don’t have enough self-discipline to just be there and get work done. Introverts judge that a lot. But extroverts like more stimulation, and the juggling makes them energized and engaged. They get their work done, just in spurts.Jennifer Kahnweiler headshot

Other misfirings in their wiring? Being private (introverts) vs. being an open book (extroverts) causes challenges. Introverts want to get to know you slowly and warm up to you. Extroverts feel excluded when introverts don’t share and get tired of pulling answers out of introverts who don’t offer much info during conversations.

Introverts crave quiet time for recharging, creativity and decompression and are frustrated when extroverts don’t let them have it. Like a teenage boy, my introverted husband Bill keeps a sign on the door that says, “Do Not Disturb.” He means it, too!

 

A Model for Bringing Us Together

Opposites can form a strong partnership if they follow your ABCDE model. How did you develop this approach? Is one part more difficult for an extrovert or introvert?

I interviewed over 40 sets of opposite partners and key themes emerged. I asked them to explore the successes and struggles they had in working with their opposite partner. Because they spoke with me or wrote me separately, some unique perspectives emerged. I also read about figures from sports, entertainment and science. I learned that the success factors crossed over fields and roles.

I think the challenges we face in opposite pairings are equally difficult for introverts and extroverts. And if we are honest about it, we each drive each other crazy from time to time!

Extraordinary Results

“Genius opposites do not just ‘happen’.” -Jennifer Kahnweiler

 

How Opposites React to Stress

How do opposites react to major stress?

How the Next 48 Days Can Transform Your Life

No More Mondays

Several years ago, I met Dan Miller, the author of 48 Days To The Work You LoveNo More Mondays and When Wisdom Meets Passion. Dan specializes in helping people find meaningful work, creative thinking, and achieving success. You may have seen him on The Early Show on CBS, MSNBC’s Hardball with Chris Matthews, Fox Business News, or the Dave Ramsey Show. Or maybe you didn’t catch any of those traditional media appearances, but know Dan from his books, his weekly newsletter or his widely popular podcast.

If you meet Dan, you will notice an unassuming, humble man who seems just as comfortable standing alone as engaging in a conversation with a group. He radiates a knowing, a wisdom that is easily perceived if you are looking for it.

Not too long ago, I sat down with Dan to seek some of that wisdom to share it with you.

Don’t Settle for Comfortable

Did you know that on Monday mornings there is a 33% greater chance of having a heart attack? Researchers speculate it is due to the stress of returning to work. Dan and I talk about his book No More Mondays.

Why do most people settle for jobs that make them miserable? Dan shares why we often stay in what he calls “comfortable misery.”

How do you develop and pursue your passion? Dan explains that many people use a lost job as a wake-up call and opportunity.

Finally, since Dan has built one of the most successful platforms in the industry, I ask Dan how others can build a personal brand.

Here are just a few of my favorite Dan Miller quotes:

 

“Passion is more developed than discovered.” –Dan Miller

 

“Continual learning is the key to continual living.” –Dan Miller

 

“If we have no identity apart from our jobs, we are truly vulnerable.” –Dan Miller

 

“In today’s work arena, creativity may be more of an asset than competence.” –Dan Miller

 

“The loss of a job may be the wake up-call needed to redeem the fire of your genius.” –Dan Miller

 

“Choosing to associate with positive, optimistic people will accelerate our positive growth.” –Dan Miller

 

“Don’t wait on perfect conditions for success to happen; just go ahead and do something.” –Dan Miller

 

“Have you ever noticed that even if God allows you to have a dream, you’re expected to work to make it happen?” –Dan Miller

 

“Unfounded fears about your competence and abilities can cripple your unique talents and gifts, which are waiting to be released.” –Dan Miller

 

“The key to success is to be true to who you really are.” –Dan Miller

 

“No individual can achieve worthy goals without accepting accountability for his or her own actions.” –Dan Miller

The Dangers of Not Getting Enough Sleep

For most of my life, I have struggled with getting enough sleep. When I tell people how little I sleep, they are complimentary. They generally see that it is the reason I am able to be a CEO and still read so many books. I consider myself a high-functioning insomniac because most people are not able to tell when I am tired.

So all good, right?

Not so fast.

I would gladly give all of that up for solid sleep, every single night. Getting little sleep is not a badge of honor. It is not something to brag about.

Not getting enough sleep can range from an occasional annoyance to a serious issue requiring medical help.  Sleep better and you increase your productivity, your odds of success, and your ability to lead.

Success Factor: Getting Enough Sleep

Do you get enough sleep?

 

 

“A well-spent day brings happy sleep.” –Leonardo da Vinci

 

There are numerous ways to improve your sleep habits, but recognizing whether you have a sleep issue is the first step.

Dangers of Sleep Deprivation

Here are a few of the dangers of not getting enough sleep:

  1. Increased chance of injury
  2. Decreased performance
  3. Impaired brain and heart function
  4. Likelihood of gaining weight
  5. Impaired memory
  6. Shorter life!
  7. Decreased immunity
  8. Increased stress
  9. Increased anxiety
  10. Lowered productivity
  11. Troubled relationships
  12. Mood swings
  13. Diminished response time
  14. Increased chance of blurting something out at a meeting that you regret or mumbling incoherently to yourself (no, really, I have no experience with this)
  15. Difficulty focusing or listening
  16. Decreased effectiveness
  17. Increased chance of getting sick

That’s quite a list. And you could easily add more in the comments.

 

“The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.” –W.C. Fields

 

So how about you? Do you sleep well or struggle? Do you think it is a leadership and performance issue?

Do you have sleep problems?

 

So, what to do?  There are numerous ways to get more sleep.  I have plenty of experience with most of them.  Before I share my list, I wanted to learn from you.  Help me out.  Share your tips on how to get a good night’s rest in the comments or send me an email, tweet, Facebook, Google+ or LinkedIn comment.